Steps
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: Deeks is feeling down one day and Hetty and Callen takes it upon themselves to help the young man. What do they show him to help him see everything good that he's done? Previously named 'Because of You'.
1. Chapter 1

Just a little thing I thought up randomly one day. Hopefully this will get my muse going again. I rather miss it.

I own nothing. Please, review?

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"Mr. Deeks," Hetty called from her office as I walked into the bullpen, "You are here early."

Looking around the room I noticed that I was actually the only one in the building besides Hetty. In fact, now that I started to pay attention to everything around me I saw that the sun was just barely starting to rise.

Okay, so that explained why my head was pounding and my eyes felt like the second they shut they'd never open again. I really was getting too old to walk around L.A. drowning in my own self-pity.

It wasn't my fault though. This was the third year that I was part of this team and I had high hopes on them remembering my birthday. Instead I ended up getting my hopes torn from me when only Hetty remembered.

Don't get me wrong I love that woman. She quickly became someone I considered to be part of my family, but at the end of the day she remembered or knew everything already.

Hetty remembering my birthday was nothing to get excited about, though I was happy that she did and I appreciated her present and everything. It just wasn't all that impressive no matter how much I loved it.

And as much as I wanted to have that moment when she gave me the bottle play in my mind I couldn't help but remember the teams faces when she announced that it was my birthday.

The only one that actually seemed to care at all was Kensi and that was only because she felt guilty for not knowing, or was it more like not caring, about my birthday at all.

Callen and Sam really didn't care about it at all. Like I was just someone that was keeping the desk warm. And maybe to them that was all I was. I wouldn't be surprised if that was what they thought.

Eric and Nell both offered my smiles, but I knew that it was only because they had been informed by Hetty what she was planning on doing. They didn't remember my birthday either.

It just wasn't fair. Alright, so I sounded like a child there, but it really wasn't. I had just started to think that maybe I found someplace where I could actually belong and where I could stay for a bit. All those thoughts were pulled out from underneath me.

Maybe I was being too childish about this whole thing. Was it my fault that I, just once, wanted a birthday that didn't involve my Father knocking me and my Mom around or Ray and I running from the cops?

No, I didn't think that was too much to ask for, but who really cares what little Marty thinks? No one ever really has cared about what I thought about anything. Even when I could help.

Except for Hetty. I wasn't being fair to her. She had remember my birthday and gotten me a gift. It was everyone else that just seemed to not care. I couldn't take this out on her.

"Mr. Deeks," Hetty spoke suddenly next to me, "You seem lost in thought. Is there anything you need to talk about?"

"You care, right?" I questioned hating how weak I sounded right then, "About me I mean. You care?"

"Of course I care. What would make you think that I didn't?"

"It's not that I don't think you care. I know you care. I just don't think anyone else does."

"Mr. Deeks…"

"It was my birthday, Hetty. And yes, I know that it's childish and stupid of me to think this, but I've been here for three years and this was the first year that I thought I was finally close enough to the team for them to at least acknowledge the day. I didn't want anything big. Not a dinner or presents or anything like that. I just wanted them to say 'Oh, hey Deeks. Happy birthday'. That was it. Nothing more. How is it possible that two little words was too much to ask for?"

Hetty stared at me for a second before motioning for me to follow her into her office. Sighing I trudged along behind her feeling as much as the child I knew I was acting like.

All of this was just ridiculous. I really didn't need anyone to tell me happy birthday. Except that this was my first birthday without someone actually saying that to me.

First it was my Mom. A 'Happy Birthday, my love' and a kiss to the forehead before he woke up or came home and decided that it was time for his favorite game. How much blood can I spill today.

Then it was Ray. Just as simple as my Mom's. A quick 'Happy Birthday, Marty' and being my wingman for the day and laughing beside me as we made up the most asinine pick-up lines we could think of.

Now I didn't have either of this people in my lives. I thought it was going to be fine. That I had people that cared about me still. And besides Hetty I had been completely wrong.

Maybe that was how things were going to be. I was only ever going to have one person in my life that cared about me at a time. That was just how things were going to be for me.

I hated the idea of being alone though. I needed people around me. I was a people person. For me to be alone was horrible. Like someone was actually trying to steal the very air I was breathing.

It was why I did so much. Friends, undercover, volunteering. All of it was because they needed people to help them and I couldn't last very long in the silence with my own thoughts.

The only time I was allowed to let myself get completely lost in my own thoughts was when I was surfing. It was actually why I surfed in the first place. I could lose myself in the waves.

That was why I surfed every morning before I came to work, even if it was just for ten minutes and I didn't even catch a wave. It was just something that was beyond soothing to me.

"You look exhausted," Hetty supplied setting a cup of tea in front of me.

"I didn't sleep last night," I muttered before thanking her and picking up my drink.

"You didn't sleep well or you didn't sleep at all?"

"I didn't sleep at all."

"And why is that?"

"I thought my speech right then had explained what I was feeling right now, Hetty."

"Oh, it did. I was hoping now that you have calmed some you can explain to me further what is going on in that head of yours."

"I'm just tired of being alone. Of not mattering."

"Is that what you think, Mr. Deeks? That you're alone? That you don't matter to us?"

"How else am I supposed to feel right now?"

"Mr. Deeks…"

"You know, I didn't expect Sam or Callen to care about this. I don't actually think either of them really likes me. But I thought Eric, Nell, and I were friends. And please don't lie to me and say they remembered. They only knew about my birthday because you had told them. And Kensi? She's my partner. I would never forget an important date like this. It just hurts."

"They didn't do it on purpose."

"I know. I guess that's why I'm more angry at myself then I am at them. I mean, who does this, Hetty? Why man in his thirties throws a fit because of his birthday? It completely ludicrous. I'm an idiot. Just forget any of this happened."

Without saying anything else I finished the last of my tea and made my way to my desk. If I had been in a different frame of mind I would have realized that it was rude for me to talk to and then walk away from Hetty.

That was it though. Right now the only thing running through my mind was how hurt and stupid I felt. How I really wished I had called in sick today because I didn't want to face anyone or anything.

I couldn't do that though. I had a bad day, but it was my job to protect and serve people and if there was one thing I was always willing to do it was just that. Nothing would stop me.

That was why I kept doing what I did. Why I willing changed my professions. I wanted to help as many people as I possibly could. In everyway that I possible could think of.

Me helping people was the only thing that kept me going some days. I couldn't save them all, I knew that and it killed me, but the ones that I could save…I loved that feeling more than anything.

Sighing I cracked my spine before falling onto the couch. I wasn't planning on taking a nap or anything I just needed a moment so I could catch up on everything that was running through my mind.

I laid there silently for almost five minutes just breathing when I felt something being draped over me. My eyes snapped open and I saw Hetty laying a small blue afghan over me.

Opening my mouth I started to say that I was fine and that I just needed a little coffee, but I was stopped by her hand on my shoulder as she stared at me with a slight smile.

"Sleep, Mr. Deeks," Hetty soothed, "I will wake you when it is time for you to start working. We can't have you passing out on the job, can we?"


	2. Chapter 2

Just a little thing I thought up randomly one day.

My muse seems to be back. Which is how something that I meant to be a one-shot is about to have me writing a third chapter. It is so not my fault I haven't done what I wanted to do yet. This really isn't going to be long and it's hopefully just going to be a feel-good story. That is all.

I own nothing. Please, review?

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"How much did you hear, Mr. Callen?" Hetty questioned once Deeks fell into a fitful sleep.

"Enough," I answered staring at the younger man, "Does he really think we don't care?"

"Do you?"

Without saying another word or even sparing me a glance Hetty walked out of the bullpen and to her office leaving me alone to think about what she and Deeks had been saying.

A large part of me wanted to get angry and tell her that of course we cared about Deeks. He wouldn't be here still if we didn't, no matter how much the older woman wanted him here.

Alright, maybe we hadn't exactly been the nicest people to the younger man, but I had thought that we were making a lot of progress and so had he. Or he had thought that until yesterday.

The worst part was that I had known it was his birthday. I just didn't say anything. I usually never did. It had taken me about four years of being partnered with Sam before I actually even acknowledged that it was his birthday.

They were never a big deal to me. Another year older, another year wiser, another year closer to getting out of the foster system. That was all that my birthday had ever meant to me.

And because of how I usually treated my birthday I didn't even think of how other people would want theirs to be treated. Besides telling the person happy birthday the day never changed.

Isn't that all Deeks had been looking for? A little recognition that he was part of our team? That we cared? Something, it seemed, that none of us had actually been willing to give to him.

Sighing I found myself walking closer to the man and kneeling down. This is not where I thought I'd find myself when I met Deeks. Then again he never did the thing that I expected him to do.

Was that because he just randomly did things without thinking or because I had no idea who the man before me actually was? I really hated that I already knew the answer to that.

Deeks was a good guy. A little too loud at times, but liked him. Though after what I just heard to sounded like he had no idea that anyone, besides Hetty, actually gave a damn about him.

And that was my fault. Well, not for everyone else. Usually I would have no problem taking on the weight of this team, but this wasn't something that I could control in any way.

Sam, Kensi, Eric, and Nell had to show what Deeks meant to them in their own way. They just hadn't done that or at least been obvious about it. Something that the man needed.

I, on the other hand, never liked getting close to people. It didn't end well for me and I knew that Deeks had taken that into consideration. That was why all he wanted was a simple acknowledgement.

He didn't need a party or presents or anything like that. He needed someone to actually show that they cared even a small fraction. And let's face it, simply saying happy birthday was a small fraction.

"What are we doing to do, Deeks?" I questioned the slumbering man.

"Dump cold water on him," Sam smirked walking up into the bullpen.

"Not this time."

Without thinking I brushed Deeks hair away from his face before standing up. Sam gave me a weird look, but didn't bother to say anything. When it came to me and doing something even remotely affectionate he never did.

As I sat at my desk I continued to think about everything that the younger man had said. He basically thought that no one on the team cared and if I was to show him that I did I couldn't do it yet.

If it made any sense I knew that trying to show him so quickly after have hurting him would just backfire in not only my face, but the entire teams. No, I had to do whatever I did slowly.

That lead me to wonder exactly what I was supposed to do. I doubted that it had to be something big, but it did have to be something that showed Deeks how much he meant to the team. Or, at least, me.

There was no way that I could tell anyone what Deeks had said this morning. I would lose the little trust that the man had put in me. I was going to have to go in this alone.

I ended up sitting at my desk for about half an hour trying to come up with some ideas of what to do. I never thought that it would be this hard figuring out a present for someone that talked as much as Deeks.

That was it though. For as much as we made fun of the man for talking he never really revealed anything about himself. Most of the information I knew about him I got from his file.

Even then there wasn't really much to go on. It was like Deeks didn't want anyone to know who he was. Maybe he didn't. I hadn't tried to get to know the younger man before now.

"G?" Sam questioned from his desk causing me to look up, "What's up?"

"Why didn't you remember Deeks birthday?" I asked back.

"I remembered."

"You remembered? Why didn't you say anything then?"

"I didn't think that it was that big of a deal. Deeks doesn't seem like the type of guy that would care about a birthday. Why? Did he say something to you?"

"No, I was just thinking about it last night. Wondering whether or not someone should have said something."

"Kensi is his partner. If she didn't then it might be for the best that we didn't."

"Maybe."

Sam nodded his head calmly and went back to filling out his paperwork. Silence filled the bullpen once again before my partner put his pen down once again and stared at me.

"You want to do something for him, don't you?" Sam asked staring at me.

"Kind of," I nodded.

"Realize you're going to be doing it alone?"

"Yeah, I know, Sam. I still feel like I have to do it."

"Feel like you have to do what?" Kensi said walking to her desk.

Looking up at Kensi I found myself wondering what she thought about everything that happened yesterday with Deeks. At the end of the day she was the one partnered with Deeks.

She really should have been the one that had remembered. That wasn't right though. No, Hetty was the only one that had taken the time to show Deeks that they remembered.

That was what Hetty did for everyone. She saw that one of her people were hurt and she would come in and let them know that there was always at least one person that cared about them.

I knew that she had done that for Kensi and Sam just as many times as she had done it for me even though they never told me about it when it happened or even when it happened.

There was no point in asking either. When the time came for Hetty to help us in her own Hetty way it was between that person and Hetty. Talking about it with someone else was unheard of.

I wondered if Deeks knew that. If I did something to show that he wasn't alone on the team, that he did have a place here, it was more than possible for him to think that I only did it because of Hetty.

No, that was not something that I wanted. I needed Deeks to see that I was doing this because I wanted to. Yeah, I really should have done something before everything had gotten complicated.

"Nothing," I shook my head.

"Okay," Kensi gave me a look, "What's up with Deeks?"

"Don't know. He was asleep when I got here."

"What you got here? Really? That early?"

"I don't get here that early, Kensi."

"You practically live here. So, Deeks was asleep when you go here. Do you think he went home last night? I mean, he did look bummed when I left. You don't think that he was hurt that badly about me not remembering his birthday?"

"You didn't remember?"

"Well, I remembered. I had it on my calendar and everything. I just…I might not have changed my calendar so it's a year off."

"Wow."

A small blush came to the agents cheeks as she sent me a glare. Alright, so she hadn't done it on purpose either, but Deeks had no idea that was what had happened. It was just a mistake.

That didn't matter though. To Deeks it would probably just sound like some excuses for us to feel better about everything that happened. No, I still needed to come up with a plan to show him.

"Hey Deeks," Kensi whispered resting a hand on his shoulder, "Wake up, Deeks. You really don't want to be asleep when Hetty walks in here."

"Good motivation," Sam smirked.

"Shut up," Kensi playfully glared, "Wake up, Deeks."


	3. Chapter 3

Just a little thing I thought up randomly one day.

A little more angst in the mind that is Deeks. Maybe I'm channeling myself right now, I'm not sure. But the story will get happier I promise. This is a happy ending story! Just have to get through all the self-hatred and self-doubt to get there.

I own nothing. Please, review?

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"Deeks!" a voice yelled forcing me to shoot off of the couch.

Looking around I saw Callen and Sam staring at me with smirks on their faces from their desks while Kensi stood over me with a slightly worried glare. She really was good at mixing emotions like that.

I started to smile up at the woman when everything that happened yesterday hit me. Why did that have to happen? Couldn't I just continue to pretend that everything was perfectly fine? I had been doing it my whole life.

That was why I had agreed to work undercover and why I was so good at it. I had perfected pretending that everything was fine or pretending to be somebody else before I had even hit double digits.

Pretending had become such a big part of my life I found myself more often than not questioning who Marty Deeks actually was. That terrified me more than anything I had seen undercover.

I feared that one day I'd find myself actually enjoying what the person that I was playing did. Hurting people, stealing things, fighting for no reason, only caring about myself. I didn't want that.

Still, no matter how much fear I felt I could never walk away from this job. I'd either go dark side and have to have someone stop me or I'd be killed in the line of duty. I wouldn't walk away.

Maybe that was why the team treated had me so differently from the beginning. They saw this thing inside of me that made them question whether or not I was on their side or not.

It would explain everything that was going on. Well, except for Hetty. That woman was the best judge of character and she had actively searched me out and brought me into this team.

Why would she do that if she thought that I was going to go all dark side on her? She wouldn't and it wasn't like she was using me she truly cared about me. That was the major part I was having trouble with.

Everything Hetty did made me think that she cared about me, about this team. She was the one that I knew would be there to lend a helping hand to anyone on the team. Even if they didn't know they needed it.

Then there was the team. They were the opposite. They rarely made me feel like I belonged or that they cared. I was just a filler until a real agent came and took my spot away from me.

Of course, there's always the fact that this was never my spot to being with. Hetty wanted me on this team and she had to have pulled a lot of strings to do so, but at the end of the day it was up to Sam, Kensi, and Callen if I stayed.

Well, that's not exactly true either is it? It's up to me whether or not I stay. Whether or not I take Hetty up on her offer to become a full agent. To quit the LAPD and join NCIS.

Damn it, why did I have to start thinking? Couldn't I have just let all of this go and move on? Everyone else seemed to have done that. Then again they weren't the ones that got hurt. Not that it mattered. I was actually used to being hurt and forgotten.

I don't know why I thought being on this team was going to change that. Nothing would ever change it. I was always going to be alone in this and I was just going to have to get used to that.

"Long night?" Kensi asked as we stood up.

"Something like that," I muttered while stretching, "I'm going to grab some coffee and something to eat from that store around the block. Anyone want anything?"

I could hear the team saying that they were fine as I walked out of the bullpen. Okay, I might not have actually given them time to tell me anything, but I didn't really want to deal right now.

By that little stunt I just pulled they knew that I wasn't in the best of moods. Two things could happen because of that. Either they were going to act like nothing changed or they were going to try to figure things outs.

Honestly, I had no idea which idea I liked less. I didn't want to talk about what my mind was going through right now, but I knew that it would just make everything feel worse to me if they ignored me.

Why did I want this team to be something that I could hang onto? I had had partners in the past and I had a lot of friends, but I always made sure to keep them at arms length.

This team was different. Yeah, I still kept a few steps away from them, but I was a lot closer to them than almost anyone else. And by 'anyone else' I meant Ray. Who I barely talked to anymore since he was in Witness Protection.

This whole thing was just getting out of control. I was allowing myself to get close to people that obviously didn't want to be close to me. They had made that clear at every turn.

What did it matter? I was going to get hurt either way. It was better for me to realize that now than for me to keep going, to keep trying to get them to consider me a friend.

Sighing I shook my head and slowly walked into the store. I wasn't actually all that hungry and the idea of having even coffee in my stomach was enough to make to rebel.

I walked around the entire store, twice, just to calm myself down. I knew that I was probably making the cashier nervous so I grabbed a bottle of water and pack of gum before checking out.

As I walked back to the Mission I wondered what I was doing. It would be best for everyone if I went back to just working for the LAPD, but I had come to love working with NCIS.

I really hated when I was as conflicted as I was right now. I worked good under most pressure, it's how I kept myself alive for as long as I had. But not this kind. It never ended well for me.

When I got back to my desk everyone was quietly working on their own thing. I counted myself lucky and started on the pile of paperwork that I had been putting off doing. I knew there was reason I did that.

The work was slow, but it was, thankfully, enough that I could simply focus on it and not what was going on in my mind. Just long enough of a break for me to get back to being myself. Or whoever I was.

My not thinking was interrupted by a whistle from the floor above. Looking up I saw Eric standing there with his normal small smile and knew that there was a case we needed to solve.

"Deeks," Callen spoke as we made our way up, "You okay?"

"Yeah," I nodded with a fake grin, "Of course."

"You sure? Cause you look a little…"

"I'm just a little tired, Callen. You know my birthday was last night. No, I'm not still drunk and I don't have a hangover, I'm not that stupid. But I didn't get much sleep. Come on, Hetty's going to be mad if we're late."

I knew even as I pushed Callen's concerns away that I was just making it worse for myself. He wasn't the type to stand down and even if he didn't care about me he did care about Sam and Kensi and if I couldn't do my job they might get hurt.

That was another thing I found myself questioning a lot. Was I still an effective cop? Was I still actually helping the people that I had vowed to protect? Or was I hurting them without realizing it?

When I first started working undercover I knew that I wasn't going to be able to truly see everything that happened with my cases. I couldn't interview perps or anything like that because the couldn't know who I was.

That made things a little more difficult for me. If I didn't go over all the files than I'd never know if I was doing the right thing of if I was just playing the worst game of dress up ever.

I wanted to help people. That was all I never wanted to do. I never thought I'd be working in a place where I couldn't see that I was helping them. Nothing I did was ever going to change that.

Sometimes I hated my mind. Alright, so I hated my mind a lot of the time, but it did bring up points that I really did need to think about. No matter how much I hated to do so.

None of this mattered right now. We had a case that I needed focus on. There were people out there right now that needed me to be on the top of my game. Not having this mini freak out.

I would have to come back to this when I had the time. Or never. I could just ignore everything that I had been thinking and let my life go back to the way it was before. I liked that idea.

Okay, so it wasn't the healthiest thing for me to do, but what choice did I have? None. Maybe I never did have a choice, but that didn't matter either. Right now I didn't even matter. The case did.

"Miss Blye," Hetty's voice cut through my thoughts, "With me. I trust you boys to figure out the rest."

Nodding our heads we waited until Hetty and Kensi left the room before turning back to Callen. He was the lead on this team. Between him and Hetty very few things were ever over looked.

Not saying that nothing bad happened, but that just came with the job. No, those two looked out for their own. Even if one of them didn't want one of those people as their own.

"You got that, Deeks?" Callen questioned looking at me.

"Got it," I nodded.

"Then let's go."


	4. Chapter 4

Just a little thing I thought up randomly one day.

Alright, there will be one chapter left after this one so expect the loving feelings. Remember. Happy ending. Fluffy. Sorry this chapter is not only late, but short. I was having trouble finding the right words.

I own nothing. Please, review?

* * *

"Mr. Callen," Hetty greeted me when I walked into her office, "Is there something I can do for you?"

It had been a little of two months since our operation started and as of yesterday afternoon we had our suspects behind bars. Though in the process of making sure no civilians were hurt Sam did sprain his wrist.

Still, it wasn't the worst thing to happen to the man. It was going to take him awhile longer to do his paperwork and he was going to glare at the wrapping on it, but he was going to be fine.

That also wasn't the team member that had my focus most of the time. No, that was Deeks. Ever since I had heard what he thought about his placement on the team I had been watching him.

I needed to know exactly what I was supposed to do to help the younger man, which I had yet to come up with any ideas on, and just how badly he was hurt by everything, a lot more than I had thought.

It had taken me awhile to see that though Deeks was acting like himself, flirting, joking, and being a pain in the ass, there was this pain in his voice that was well hidden. I wouldn't know if I hadn't been looking.

How long had that pain been there? Because I sure as hell wasn't ready to say that this was all because of the team missing his birthday. There had to be something else going on with him.

Of course there was nothing that I could do to get him to talk to me. Especially since he thought that no one actually cared about him. Something that was far from the truth.

We simply didn't know him. Something that was just as much his fault as it was ours. He didn't talk, we didn't ask. And I knew that I should have seen it before now. Before it came an issue.

I was the team leader even with Hetty being in charge. It was my job to look after everyone and I failed when it came to Deeks. I hadn't even bothered to look past what he showed everyone.

Was it too late for me to correct everything that I had done or was it possible that I could keep him on the team? Because if I didn't work quickly to fix this problem that was what was going to happen.

Deeks would continue to think that he didn't belong until one day he felt the need to go back to working strictly for LAPD. I didn't want that. I liked the younger too much for him to just leave.

This was just one big mess and that was going to change now that I knew. How that was going to change was beyond me. I had thought that Deeks was the kind of guy to sit back and let everything roll off his shoulders. Now I saw just how wrong I was.

The Deeks that I knew was a funny, caring, at times childish cop. He worked for everything that he had and he put others needs before his own. He was a good cop and someone I was glad was on our side.

But, like everyone else, there was a side that he didn't want people to see. I didn't know what it was. Maybe it was vulnerability or anger or sadness. I had no idea, but I needed to find out.

I couldn't let the younger man leave. Hetty brought him onto our team for a reason. She saw that he was going to be a good agent with the right training and she was willing to give him a chance.

That right there should have told me all I needed to know about the man. It took a long time and a lot of work to get Hetty to notice a person. She wasn't someone that was easily pleased.

She had always had to hand select people to work for her because she wanted to be able to show us our full potential. The same thing that she had been trying to do with Deeks. Something the team had messed up.

I had never been so wrong about a person as I was about Deeks. He was a lot more than I had ever thought and I needed to show him now that I was wrong about everything when it came to him.

That didn't mean that it was too late to try to get everything back on track. I was going to get him to see that he was part of this team even if it took the rest of his time with us to do it.

Alright, so maybe my first step should have been to involve the rest of the team, but I hadn't done that. They needed to get to this point on their own. And after I fixed this thing with him I'd push them to do that.

Right now it was about Deeks and I. That was where my focus needed to be now that the case was wrapped. I just needed a little help to get everything sorted out. There was only one person that I could talk to.

"It's about Deeks," I answered sitting across from her.

"I would imagine so," Hetty nodded calmly, "After everything I would be surprised if you didn't help the young man."

"I'd love to help, Hetty. That doesn't mean that I can."

"Why do you say that, Mr. Callen?"

"Because I don't know him. After three years of working with the man I couldn't tell you a thing about him."

"Whose fault it that?"

"Right now I'm not sure. Both of ours. This isn't a one way street, Hetty. Deeks messed up and we messed up."

"You mean 'you messed up'."

"What?"

"Mr. Callen, if you meant that 'we messed up' than the rest of your team would be here. Instead you're here alone hoping that I would help yours and Mr. Deeks relationship grow."

"I just want him to feel like part of the team."

"Yet you come alone."

"What was I supposed to do, Hetty? After everything I heard that day from him I knew that things needed to change. But you heard the emotions in his voice. He'd never forgive me if I told anyone about that night. You know that. If they want to do anything they have to do it on their own."

Hetty stared at me for a moment before standing up and walking around her desk. I could feel the protectiveness coming off of her as she walked closer to me. She really did like Deeks.

"I do have an idea, Mr. Callen," Hetty spoke calmly, "If you're up for it."


	5. Chapter 5

Just a little thing I thought up randomly one day.

Last chapter. This is the end. I hope it turned out good. Thanks for reading

I own nothing. Please, review?

* * *

"Hey Deeks," Callen said sitting next to me on the beach.

I looked at the older man in confusion before my eyes went back to looking at the ocean. Whatever the reason Callen was here I didn't really want to deal with him. Or anything for that matter.

The sun had risen over the horizon about half an hour ago and I hadn't moved from this spot since then. I didn't have to be at work for another hour so I didn't see the point of doing anything.

Right now I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to think. Honestly there was a lot of things that I needed to think about and I had been putting it off for as long as I possibly could.

All my thoughts had ended up being so jumbled that it didn't really matter what I was thinking. None of it made sense. For once couldn't I have something easy to deal with in my life?

Was it so much to ask that I have something in my life that was somewhat stable? That was all that I wanted right now. Something that I could actually lean on without fearing that it would break.

Everything broke though. I had learned that lesson a long time ago. I don't know why I thought that everything was going to change when I started to work with NCIS, but I was stupid to think that.

At first I had thought that Hetty bringing me onto the team was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. I had been so happy to not have to be alone for once in my life.

As my time with them continued though I found myself hating working with them. Well, not working for them, I loved not working alone. I hated working with people that not only didn't trust me, but didn't even like me.

Yeah, I knew that I was annoying and I wasn't nearly as trained as the rest of them, but I did everything I could to make sure that I was the best cop that I could be and I thought that was enough.

With how everyone continued to treat me over the three years it obviously wasn't. I didn't even know what I was supposed to do with that. If I should even try to do something at all.

It was no surprise that, from the very beginning, I questioned whether or not I should go back to working just for LAPD. I was good there and I didn't have anyone I felt I could let down.

That was where I belonged. It was where I learned everything I knew and where I knew I was helping people. I was okay with that, or at least I had thought that I was okay with that.

Now I saw everything that working for NCIS held. I saw just how much more I could do if I worked with them. I also saw just how many people were also working for the same cause.

Yes, there was a lot more I could be doing if I stayed, but there was a lot of things that I still needed to do. A lot of work that needed to be done and I didn't know who was doing it.

Part of me felt like I didn't know anything about anything anymore. Why was this so much of a decision? Did I truly have to get attached to people that wanted nothing to do with me?

"What are you doing here, Callen?" I questioned when I realized that the older man wasn't leaving.

"Waiting," Callen replied.

"For what?"

"You to tell me what you were thinking when your talked to Hetty the day after your birthday."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Really? Because I heard everything that you said."

Sighing I looked away from the man. That conversation was between Hetty and I. and I ever regretted having told Hetty everything that I had been thinking. I had wanted to do this alone.

"Deeks," Callen spoke, "Talk to me."

"Why?"

"Because you need to talk."

"I need to figure this out."

"Let me help."

Clenching my jaw I stood up and started to make my way down the beach. From here I could see a few surfers in the water and a few more coming, but they were far enough away to not hear what I was saying.

Though that wasn't the biggest issue right now. No, that was what was going on in my mind. Was I actually able to tell Callen everything or did I just play it off as if nothing was wrong now?

He had heard everything that I said to Hetty and I knew that he wasn't the type to let things go, but that didn't make this any easier. I wasn't really the type of person to talk unless I had to.

Maybe that was the point. I was between a rock and a hard place. There was nothing else that I could do. Callen was willing to listen. That was really my only option at this point.

"You don't have to be here, Callen," I said softly.

"You're part of my team, Deeks," Callen shrugged.

"Am I?"

"Why wouldn't you be?"

"Doesn't seem like it sometimes."

"Yeah, I got that from what you said to Hetty. Doesn't mean that you were right. You are part of my team, Deeks."

"Then where's the rest of the team?"

"Them talking to you is up to them. Not me. I won't push them to do something, even when it's something I know needs to be done. Right now it's between you and me. You want to talk to them do it."

"I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to talk to you."

"If you didn't want to talk to me then you would have walked out. Hell, you would have left a long time ago if you didn't want to try to fix this."

"What if it can't be fixed?"

"Never know if you don't try."

Nodding my head I fell back next to the man and closed my eyes. I knew that Callen was right. That I had to try to talk, try to fix this. No matter how much I didn't want to talk.

"I don't know if I should continue to work with NCIS," I whispered.

"Why not?"

"I don't like working someplace where I'm not sure I'm trusted."

"What makes you think you're not trusted?"

"Everything? Come on, you know exactly why I feel this."

"Doesn't matter what I know. What matters is what you say. Why don't you feel trusted?"

"Callen…"

"Why don't you feel trusted?"

"I don't…"

"Why don't you feel trusted, Deeks?"

"Because no one can trust me if I don't trust myself!"

Moving quickly I stood up once again and started to pace. Okay, that was what I was thinking, but I hadn't meant to go that far into my thoughts right now. I was just going to scratch the surface to make him leave me alone.

Right now there was just too much in my mind for me to do that though. No matter how hard I was trying I could feel the walls that I kept around me starting to crumble.

Still, Callen was simply sitting there quietly. He was waiting for me to continue while he made sure to keep his face blank. He didn't want me to know what he thought about me now.

"What if I can't do this job anymore, Callen?" I asked staring at him, "What if I can't help people anymore?"

"Then I'm glad that Hetty got this," Callen answered pulling out an envelope, "Turns out that there was something that was looking for you, but with you working undercover as much as you do she couldn't. She never stopped trying. Because of that it was easy for Hetty to get into contact with her. She asked Hetty give this to you."

Taking the envelope from him I slowly opened it trying to figure out who was looking for me. Obviously there was no danger, but I knew better than to think that nothing could go wrong.

_Dear Mr. Deeks,_

_I doubt you remember me, but I remember you. You used to volunteer at this shelter that I stayed at sometimes. It was about eight years ago. I was fifteen and honestly I didn't think I was going to make it to sixteen._

_Anyway, I remember you sitting next to me one day with that smile that you always had on your face. I remember wanting to hit that smile off of your face. You just sat there and didn't say a word. You did that for days until you placed a book in front of me. I still have that book actually._

_It was actually because of you that I am where I am now. The man that never said a word to me. He never had to. Just sitting next to me, giving me that book, smiling happily was enough. Thank you. For everything._

"Still think you can't help people, Deeks?" Callen questioned staring at me.


	6. Chapter 6

Just a little thing I thought up randomly one day.

Okay, so you weren't pleased with how I ended things. I wasn't pleased with how I ended things. So, here's a little wrap up. Please remember this isn't a team fic. It's just Callen and Deeks. I might do the rest of the team in the future, but I'm not sure. This is the end though. I hope it's better than before.

I own nothing. Please, review?

* * *

"Callen," Deeks muttered his voice empty.

Looking at the younger man I wondered what he was thinking. Hetty hadn't told me what she was doing or what was in that envelope. Now I was wishing that I did. Maybe then I'd be able to help the younger man.

That was when I started to think about what he said. He didn't' trust himself. How had things gotten so out of control that he thought he was that far gone? It was my job to keep my team safe and Deeks was my team. I let him down.

I couldn't tell why Hetty had taken to the detective as quickly as she did. That was her business and I knew better than to deal with Hetty's business without her permission. But she had put Deeks on my team. In my care.

I didn't like failing people. It was something I had happen to me too many times. When it came to my team I did everything possible to keep them safe. Deeks might have been new and I might not know him all that well, but I always protected my team. My protection was just a little late this time.

Deeks said he couldn't be trusted. Why exactly was that? Had something happened to the younger man in his past? Or maybe with LAPD? Or maybe even something with NCIS? He had no reason to trust us though he had done everything to get us to trust him. We…I had completely screwed this up and I had to fix it.

How was I supposed to do that? I didn't know Deeks. Or I knew very little about him. Nothing I knew would help him right now. I had three years to get to know him and I did nothing. All of this was happening because Deeks had no idea that he could lean on the team.

What needed to be done needed to be done as a team. Something that wouldn't happen without Deeks permission. All that I could do was try to guide the younger man, but he needed a support system. I would help with that. I would do everything that I could, but I couldn't do it alone.

My eyes went back to Deeks when I remembered that everything that had to happen was for him. He was the one that had to lead the way. I knew that. He knew that. I just wasn't exactly sure what he was going to do with everything.

"Does the letter help, Deeks?" I questioned taking a step towards him.

"I don't know," Deeks answered quietly, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Talk to me. Then we'll go and talk to the rest of the team."

"I don't think I can talk to them."

"Why not?"

"Callen, I don't do the talking thing. I don't know why I'm talking to you now."

"Because you're at your limit, Deeks. You need to talk to someone and right now I'm here and I'm willing to listen. You have to realize that you can't do this alone. Lean on me. Lean on the team. It's what we're here for."

"I've never worked on a team before."

"I know and so far we haven't shown you a good example."

"Callen…"

"This is up to you, Deeks. I can't do anything without you. In fact, the only one that can do anything is you. So pick. What do you want to do? Are you willing to try?"

"Okay. Yeah…I'll try. Just don't leave me alone?"

"I won't. We'll work through this together. One step at a time."


End file.
